Moving on-2

Moving-on1 continues:

"You don’t have to like him. Just go and meet him once." My mom was persuading me to meet someone that weekend. Both my parents liked him and very much wanted this proposal to work out.

"Please amma..I don’t want to get married." I moved the phone away from my face for her not to hear my sobbing.  And I had been telling her the same from the time Karthik and I were together. That was no less than two long years!

"But tell me why ?"  She tried not to show her anger because I was already upset.

The terms 'marriage','love','family' all these  reminded me of last day's goodbye. I was not sure if I wanted to be like this for the rest of my life but definitely my heart was not ready at that moment. Was it because I still love him? Or was it because I was sorry for him? Or was it because I was guilt-ridden? I really dint know. My thoughts ceased when I heard mom shout my name.

"Helloo Sruthi?"

"Yeah. Hello." I acknowledged.

"Is something wrong?"  More than wrong, I said to myself.

"Sruthi, please try to understand. You're 25 already. Your sister is 23 now. Your dad and I have this responsibility of...." She was seemingly  angry at my adamance. I told her I'd think over it and hung up. As I leant back on my bed , I saw Neethu barging into my room.

"You ok?" Her happy face instantly put on colors of anxiety after seeing me. I put up a fake smile.

"Aah..I know why. Come, lets go for a drive"

"Not now Neethu."

"You needn't drive. Just come along please." She pleaded like a kid.

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"I said not now." I was firm.

"I said right now." She was equally firm and forced me out of my room without paying heed to my lies of not being well. I gave up and we were driving on the highway with windows down.

"So, you both met again." She said as if she had seen it with her own eyes. I was not stupid to ask her how she knew it. Neethu actually knows me inside out.

"Yeah and I told him its all over."

"But it doesn’t seem so." She paused and said "At least from your face."

"I need time to get over this Neethu. Don’t expect me to be normal when the wound is still fresh."

"It'll remain fresh till you get normal" She gave a sharp retort.  "Who were you talking to?"

"Mom. She wants me to go and meet some stupid this weekend." I murmured and I felt my eyes were ready to get wet any moment now.

"Hey, that is a good idea."  She continued before I could react. "You don’t intend to remain single for the rest of your life anyways , do you?"

"You know what has been going on in my life for the past few months" I lost my patience and wanted to censure her severely.  Is life really that simple?

"I am serious. If you are certain that you have no plans of going back to Karthik, just move on." She had a point. One contrast we both had was that Neethu had  a brain and I had a heart.

"But how Neethu..Every time I think of the past, it hurts."

"Why do you have to recall it in the first place and get hurt ?"

I had no answer. But I had tears in my eyes.

"Do you know there is one ride in which rear view mirrors are much clear than the windshields?" She asked. She had this habit of abruptly changing topic when I was down.

"Tell me. Can you think of any?"
I tried to think. How can one even drive when one cannot see what is in front? Rear view mirrors are just meant to see what is coming along and what just went past.

"I don’t know Neethu. What is it?"

"Life."  I was amazed. She nailed it. She paused for a while and continued.

"So Sruthi,  enough of looking into the rear view mirror. Just because it is clear unlike your windshields, staring at it wont get you anywhere. It is just meant to see what we have been through! Trust me and move on."

***

Needless to say, I decided to move on. The decision was quick for the impact it would have but I had given enough thinking to it.  One comfort I had after making that was my parents were happy. The rendezvous  was fixed and I was going to meet someone that weekend. The white lie I told Karthik was no longer a lie.

After all, destiny is something that ought to be only accepted. It can neither be justified nor simplified.

Moving on-1

"How are you?"

What a cliched question that was. It was showing in my face that I was embarrassed to talk. It was showing in my attire that I was doing good financially. It was showing in my gait and standing posture that I was fine physically.

"I am fine."

"Your parents?"

"Good."

"Your sister?"

"Yeah good. How are you?" It was a matter of courtesy then to ask back. He nodded his head.

"Do you mind if we sit and talk?"

Next minute, we were seated at the corner table of the college canteen where we usually sat when we were a couple.

Our eyes never met. But I knew I was looking at him and he was looking at me. The silence that prevailed between us was new to me.  There were no sign of any chuckle or giggle or the guilty smile in his face that my heart used to crave for.

"I am not fine Sruthi."

"What happened?" Of course I knew what happened. All I got back was a stern look which was a tight slap on my face.

"I mean.. I thought you must have moved on." I lowered my head and said slowly.

"I tried a lot." he said. I tried not to speak. I wanted to hear more. Why? Because I knew he loved me a lot. And it gave me a sense of pride for having "owned" his love. After a short pause he continued.

"I avoided taking that snaky route in which we used to walk. I gave up coffee because it reminds me of your obsession with the less-sugar-more-coffee. I gave up wearing checked shirts because I long to see that 'thank-you' smile on your face when you see me wearing them. I..."

"Try seeing another girl." I cut the dialogue short. Because my heart couldn’t hold it any longer. I knew I ruined his life by walking out of it. At that second, I wanted him to hate me as much as he loved me.

"What did you just say?"

"I said try seeing another girl."

"You really mean it?"

"Yeah."

"And you wouldn't be bothered?"

"Of course not." I looked away. Then I continued.

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"Why would I be bothered? We are not together anymore. We need to get over this. Life shouldn't stop for any of us. When we know this won't work out, there is no point in pondering over future of this, right? Keep yourself busy with something. I am sure you will see the change. You won't even take my name once you are with someone else." I paused my lecture. Did I really mean all that I said? The very thought of he being with someone else shuddered me. But that was okay.  I couldn't have him thinking about me for the rest of his life. I was sure he wouldn’t even think of anybody else if he had me in mind. I had to make him erase all those memories somehow.

"Oh. Is this what you did? to move on." There was both sarcasm and some melancholy when he said the last words. One question I was waiting for.

"Yes. I am going to meet a guy this weekend." I instantly lied. And I bent my head down like I always did when I couldn’t look into his face.

"Marriage proposal?"

"Sort of."

"Oh.." A long pause followed.

"Will you tell him that you have had a past relationship?" he smiled. I never knew his smile could pierce me so hard that it started paining inside. Both literally and even otherwise.

"There is nothing to lie/hide. I have not done a mistake by being in one." I said firmly. First dialogue  that I truly meant that evening.

"I am very glad you don't regret it."

"Why will I regret it? You are a very nice person. I am sure you will get a better girl." This time my voice shook. He smiled again.

"I don't need a better girl. I don't need this soothing session either."

"I am just being honest."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yes."  He dint speak for a while. And my heart sensed that the calmness around was actually a prelude to a whirlpool coming.

"I never thought that one such episode would come in my life Sruthi. Not with you! I heard it is hard for girls to fall in love, but it is easy for them to come out of it.You just, just proved it again. You are no special. You’re just another girl."  End of the conservation. And silence again set in. Silence which can actually kill. That silence so high in decibels that your ear cannot take it. I recalled his previous words. My job was done. I was no longer special to him. It meant I won the battle of separation by killing myself. I stood up and walked towards my bike like a zombie. The hand which usually used to reach out to mine when I was down was resting on the table. The one whom I had in all my heart said I did not have one. If only I could show him my broken heart. I sat on my bike and was ready to go. I could see Karthik in the mirror and it read "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear". I broke down.

Wounded heart!

Off you go and I'll never see you again,
Leave my heart and let it moan in pain.
Don't call this love, for you'd never really know,
Gloom and gloom all over ,usurping me very slow.

My eyes went misty for every word you spoke,
Tears were of joy ,of which my heart did choke.
My eyes are still misty,now that I know whats true.
Tears today are of sorrow, all because of you.

Queer it seems, the world that is outside.
I'm seeing it anew with a burning heart inside.
Eyes that saw only you ,can't take this anymore.
"Let alone the world, we wont open ",they swore.

Lips that talked of you and only of you,
stopped talking ever,sick of everything that is blue.
Ears which heard your sweet voice,
now cannot bear a note too, everything seems a noise.

Wounded heart is all I have, a wound that never heals.
It can hear only you who hurt it and tell you how it feels.
It always sees you in itself and makes a wish daily,
Hoping that you'd come back and love it this time truly.

PS: By God's grace, I am no way related to this post. I wrote this to  have a post in the genre "compassion",one of the 9 emotions.

Good-bye

May be the only thing that is worst than good-bye is not having a chance to say it.

How beautiful! I love this statement.

To bid good-bye is not easy,

It’s the toughest thing to do.

What hurts even more is,

I couldn’t tell this to you.

Memories of yesterday,

Beautiful and bright.

Its all dark now,

For You’re no-where in sight.

Up above the sky,

You found a new home.

Where Gods reside

And angels like you roam.

Remains of you here,

Deep inside my heart,

Keep me sound and alive,

For souls never part.

It rains as if you shed your tears for me,

If happy you are, colorful rainbow I see.

This is in honor to all the love we shared,

Waiting for the doom from which I was spared.