Prologue

So when do you know its love?

"It's a girl Mr. Karthik. Both mom and baby are doing better now. Congratulations!" I literally sprang to my feet when I heard my doctor say that. There are some words which have the power of healing the world's most fatal heart diseases. Those diseases which no Angiogram can detect. Those diseases whose only cure seems to be the Ctr-Z in God's program. I wanted to say thanks but some ecstasy dint let me speak. I looked away from her to hide my tears and let out my emotions in a deep breath. I then looked at her and thanked her profusely . She was all smiles to see me smile for the first time in last 3 months.

"Can I go and see her now?"

"Who? the baby or your wife?"

What a question, I thought to myself. I wish I could answer that in a flash. Who do I want to see first? My first progeny who had just opened her eyes to this world? She was the only person who was in our prayers all these days. Or the person who brought her to this earth? Without my wife the baby is nothing absolutely.

"My wife" I said with a smile.

"Sure. Please take care of her. She is very weak."

"I shall."

I entered into the delivery room which seemed nothing less than a war field to me. My baby has fought here for the last 8 hours to come out alive and my wife had survived the scariest test of her life. I saw her lying on the bed with her eyes half-open. She dint speak but I could hear her. We congratulated ourselves with smiles.

"How are you feeling now?" I asked her in a low tone as I drew my chair near to her bed. What a stupid question it was! As if I didn't know.
She smiled again and when she closed her eyes, a tear rolled down her cheek. I absolutely had nothing to talk and nothing to ask.

"I called up your parents. They are flying this afternoon." She acknowledged and asked me something with her eyes. Probably if I saw the baby.

"I dint see her yet. Did you?"
She shook her head with difficulty.

"I don't think we can even touch her till she is safe to be put out of her incubator." She blinked her eyes.

"You want to see her ..don't you? " She blinked her eyes again.

"I'll try to get her photo for you. Give me some time." I stormed out of the room as I saw her not taking her eyes off me.

"Can I see the baby now?" I asked our assistant and she took me to the incubator room. All I could get from the small peep-hole was the glimpse of a tiny baby covered with tubes. She had pink cheeks and her fists were loosely closed. My wife's tresses were envy of her friends but the little one barely had any hair on her head. Like every Indian parent, I tried a lot to figure out who she looked like. I smiled at myself for the early analysis but some insight told me that she will grow into a beautiful woman like her mother. How badly I wished I could hold her once! I managed to click a photo with my phone and the nurse smiled warmly.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400"] Source:imagecacher2.allposters.com[/caption]

"Cute baby sir." It was certainly a courtly compliment because the baby's features were not evident at all. I smiled at her and walked into my doctor's room.

"Karthik, I hope you are very much aware of what was happening in your lives for the past three months." Our doctor tried to make a conversation as I was signing some papers.

"Of course I am."

"Your baby is literally your gift from God. We had no hopes to see her alive until last week. I was therefore being very cautious in our meetings and was trying to prepare you for the unexpected. By God's grace, all is well now."

"Thanks so much doctor. Thanks for everything." I stopped my work for a second and recalled the hell we'd been through for the last 3 months.

"I know you are a gentleman but its my duty to remind you of female infanticide and the associated laws."

"Like you said, she is a gift doctor. I'd treasure her for life time." I knew I made a filmy statement but I meant all that I said.
She smiled and continued."So how long have you been married for?"

"3 years."

"Is yours a love marriage?"

"Partly."

"Partly?"

"I wooed her a lot before our wedding. She always refused until that day when she asked me to talk to her parents. I did. And they agreed." I bet I couldn't have made it more uninteresting. But seriously, my love story was that plain and straight.

"Wow. You wooed her despite her not liking you?"

"Yes." I looked at her and said that confidently.

"But what kept you going?"

"I was sure she is the one for me."

"And how did you know that?"

"I love her doctor. Ever since I realized that I am in love with her, I was sure she is the right one." I told her and looked into the papers again.

"So when did you know its love?"

I put my pen down and reminisced when it all started.

Now watching- Anjali

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="174"] Source:filmlinks4u[/caption]

Did you ever feel you've just lived your childhood again? I did. In fact I always do whenever I watch this film. Anjali stands out in the best-dubbed movies from Tamil for these scenes:
1. That beginning when Arjun and Anu are excited about the new arrival. I am a first kid and I can recall how excited I was to see my brother for the first time in the hospital.
2. That dining table scene where Sekhar and the kids make faces while eating Chitra's food. I bet all of us must have teased our mother for the food she makes though we know that what she makes is unbeatable.
3. Scene where Anu and Arjun are introduced to other kids in the society. We also had(in fact followed) the same way of greeting each other in our apartments back then.
4. Sekhar slaps Anu for calling a lunatic a lunatic. When he takes her in his hands, she has that one expression which can be patented for such scenes in everyone's house. You're hurt because of your dad, it is his duty to pacify you whatever be his means. Sekhar relates a sci-fi story to them. I don't belong to such geeky kids group. I'd have preferred some ice cream the next day.
5. That immense interest in love stories and things which you're warned not to do. Arjun and gang sneak into Prabhu's house though they know he had been to jail earlier. I always had an ear for gossips at school and I used to take huge pleasure in reading personal letters though I was warned not to.
6. Arjun and Anu hate Anjali for she is not normal like every other kid. But they fight back when the other kids make fun of her. Remember all of us fought(fight) with our siblings. But we never let any body else lay his/her finger on them.
7. Other kids' mothers come and complain to Arjun's mom. I wish not to talk about what happened in my life lest this post embarrasses me.
8. Anjali weeps on seeing Arjun's wounds. This is one of my favorite scenes and I have lost count of how many such scenes I have experienced/heard of in my life.
9. Arjun takes Anjali to the other kids and confronts them. What on earth can be cuter than this?
10. Anu asks Sekhar why Anjali had to be "their" sister and why not someone else's. Sekhar has an explanation which Anu agrees to and she accepts Anjali as her sister.
11. The iconic scene in which Anjali calls Chitra her mother is probably worth millions. From that one scene, I understood why Mani chose Revathi as Sekhar's wife despite of the evident height difference.

Anjali may not be an entertainer from its first to last reels. It certainly is a bundle of emotions, amazing performances, faultless BGM and looot of memories. Thank you Mani Ratnam and Ilayaraja for such a classic.

The software plight

I joined Tea party. On this occasion, this post.

-----------------------------

I always think I would rather own an auto than rent this office laptop. I know you also want to do the same.

Then what man? Life of a software engineer is pathetic only these days. People are cracking lot of jokes and  making him feel depressed. Software engineer means person who repairs computers or what?  For example, If lot of pop-ups are coming in the home computer, people are coming running to the software engineer and asking him to repair that. If he enables pop-up blocker, they are feeling he is one genius.  God only knows how to save those poor souls.

Whenever people know you're a software engineer,  they are first asking  one thing. Did you go to America? Arey, if one person works in a SW company means he should definitely go there or what? If you tell them no means, they are putting one face and thinking "this fellow is waste. That is why his company dint send him to America." One fellow goes to America on project work means he should work there till late night to finish the project in time. In one month of stay there, he gets two days to roam around and he puts 800pics in Facebook. You hit a like for that album and conclude that poor fellow is enjoying without thinking how much he has to work.  Fellow who is in India is happily coming home on time and having fun here. Any problem YOU have? I want to ask.

If a software engineer is fat means, people are saying  "Software  engineers are fat because you sit in a place for long time and also eat lot of pizzas and burgers." I only want to ask - are people working in government offices getting paid for jogging and working out? They're also sitting in front of files/computers no? And they can also eat pizzas and burgers no?  Boss, Dominoes/Pizza hut do not have the words "only for software engineers" in their menu card. All that they are having is words like "Garden fresh" and "Farmer's choice". Ultimately whatever your order, you get the same pizza with colorful toppings in different designs.

To top this, you'll say software engineer doesn't know the value of money because he is paid in loads. Boss, probably the only person who knows value of time and money is a software engineer. One reason why he waits for the month's last working day counting days and fondly calls it salary day. Go ask him to treat you on that day, he will look for the best restaurant in town in Cluburb/Zomato. Other days, you will see that he is very penny-pinching, that is one separate matter. Arey what will he have after Bookmyshow, CCD and friends like you loot him, you only tell?

All in all, please don't downplay any SE boss. Especially in your blogs and Facebook wall posts. The news will spread faster than a worm in software. If your fellow SE is hurt, it might even show in your reviews. Don't blame me afterwards.

Moving on-3

Moving-on2 continues:
“Surya.”

“Sruthi” We shook hands and sat in the coffee lounge. As Neethu suggested, I left my past behind. I wore a black dress that Karthik hated, I booked a table on the aisle side which he disliked and I went late which used to irritate him the most.

"I am not really good at complimenting someone. But black looks good on you."  I smiled but hated the compliment.
Surya was fidgeting in his seat in an awkward manner. I sat still but my confused mind was still wondering what was going on.  “I know how embarrassed you must be feeling. I am myself feeling uneasy at this moment.” He interrupted my thoughts cloud. I smiled again.

"Do you drink coffee? My day is never complete without one." Every little thing in our world oddly has some memories attached to it. You can't help but recall them every time you encounter such little things. Such was coffee to me. "You needn't hesitate if you don’t like it." he said.

"I don’t drink coffee at all. Will prefer some smoothie to coffee." I replied.  Good bye coffee.

"Okay. Cool." The waiter took our order and left.

“I heard you’re a trained classical dancer.”  He was trying to make a conversation.

“I learnt Bharatnatyam” I replied instantly. One rude acknowledgement to his statements. Some feeling from inside was not letting me be myself. He then continued to share his details and interests. I tried my best to look engaged in that conversation.

“Are you really this silent always? Or am I so boring?”

I quickly put a smile and nodded my head in denial. Surya got ready to leave as we finished our drinks. “Anyway, I wont trouble you much. Thanks for coming.”  He walked me till my bike and I came home to see my anxious parents waiting for a good news. Apparently except for my approval, the match was almost fixed. I told them I'd need more time and the phone buzzed promptly. SMS from Neethu. "Come downstairs ASAP." Before I could text her yes, it buzzed again. This time from Surya and it read "I am not sure if I can tell you this now Sruthi. Our meeting was nothing more than a formality to me. I have made my decision already. I have always liked you ever since I came to know you. I just badly hope you'd say yes to this." I literally ran to Neethu to tell her the news. Not because I was happy or sad. I was mixed-up. As always.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="210"] Source: livelifehappy.com[/caption]

"How was the meeting?" Before I could even talk, "Did you even open your mouth?" She asked.

"How do you always get it right Neethu?"

"I am your mirror."

True.  Probably God knows that we need a mirror to look what is inside us. One reason why he sent people for us to befriend. Mirror on the wall never judged me on how I looked and neither did Neethu on how I thought. I told her about the sms from Surya. Neethu smiled warmly.

"I brought a special gift for you. You can use it for sometime but you have to give it back and never ask for it again."

"Is that even a gift?"

"There it is." She pointed towards the park that was opposite our apartment. "Come back in an hour. I shall wait for you."

It is so hard to guess what Neethu is up to sometimes. I heaved a deep sigh and went inside the park. To my wild horror, I saw Karthik there. Could this be something related to her gift? After greetings, Karthik let out the dreaded question.

"Did you like Surya?" I was startled. It was Neethu's plan.

"I just met him once."

"Will it take 389 days for you to make a decision?" He remembered the exact number of days we were in a relationship.

"I mean I need to talk more."

"Does he like you?" I showed him the sms.

"No surprises here. " He smiled and gave my phone back. "He is smart, well-read and your parents like him too. What else would certify a person to be your ideal partner?"

"But all that doesn’t mean he will keep me happy."  I tried to reason with him how difficult it is to let someone take his place but Karthik's argument, like always, had a point.

"Can I give you one honest advice before we disperse?"

"You needn't ask."

"Love him Sruthi. That will keep you both happy." I raised my voice to interrupt. "Do not ever say love happens just once. That feeling is perennial. How do you think people are even surviving in this world? True, I was angry when we broke up.  I only detested the reasons that are not letting us be together. Go search for your lost love in Surya."

"And what if I cant?"

"Love him more. Till you can. Actually I am very sure you will. I have known you for so long." he smiled. I started to feel easy when he said that.

"Promise me that you wont hate me ever?" I asked like a baby as my eyes glistened.

"Never, as long as I love you."

I held his arms and put them to my eyes.Is there a better way to say thanks to someone? You get to see the vast blueness of the sky only when the clouds clear. Such was my situation. I let out a hearty smile which was guilt-free. I ran to Neethu and hugged her tight to show what that gift meant to me.

"Now text your hero that you like him. And remember to give whatever you're asking for. It always works when in a relationship."

"I shall." I said aloud firmly as I began texting Surya.

For a change, a new love story began with the title "And they lived happily thereafter."

That One Guy!

"Your latest crush" was one of the columns I used to deliberately avoid in slam books. Why because back then I dint know what "crush" meant. When I used to turn pages to see what others wrote (which I was warned not to), I could see variety of names. Tom Cruise was the most common name. Again, I had no idea who he was(no thoos please). I always thought Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are same until I saw Fight Club (ducks to avoid sandals).  Another common name I used to see was Shahrukh khan. If I see any one write that name now, I would probably make them watch Ra-one again and again. If they don’t change the name even after that, murder only.

 

By the time I was of "not-having-any-crush? You’re that type or what?" age,  Alaipayuthey/Sakhi got released. I easily fell for Madhavan in that movie because

1. His name was Karthik.


2. He was bold, responsible and also fun.


3. His name was Karthik.
   
   [caption id="" align="alignright" width="348"] Source: myfirstshow.com[/caption]


4. He had dreamy hair and he looked superb.

 

I realized it is not just infatuation when "Run" got released. Tagged by one close friend to write about "that one guy". So, this post!

 

Moving on-2

Moving-on1 continues:

"You don’t have to like him. Just go and meet him once." My mom was persuading me to meet someone that weekend. Both my parents liked him and very much wanted this proposal to work out.

"Please amma..I don’t want to get married." I moved the phone away from my face for her not to hear my sobbing.  And I had been telling her the same from the time Karthik and I were together. That was no less than two long years!

"But tell me why ?"  She tried not to show her anger because I was already upset.

The terms 'marriage','love','family' all these  reminded me of last day's goodbye. I was not sure if I wanted to be like this for the rest of my life but definitely my heart was not ready at that moment. Was it because I still love him? Or was it because I was sorry for him? Or was it because I was guilt-ridden? I really dint know. My thoughts ceased when I heard mom shout my name.

"Helloo Sruthi?"

"Yeah. Hello." I acknowledged.

"Is something wrong?"  More than wrong, I said to myself.

"Sruthi, please try to understand. You're 25 already. Your sister is 23 now. Your dad and I have this responsibility of...." She was seemingly  angry at my adamance. I told her I'd think over it and hung up. As I leant back on my bed , I saw Neethu barging into my room.

"You ok?" Her happy face instantly put on colors of anxiety after seeing me. I put up a fake smile.

"Aah..I know why. Come, lets go for a drive"

"Not now Neethu."

"You needn't drive. Just come along please." She pleaded like a kid.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="247"] Source:http://www.yourlifeyourway.net/[/caption]

"I said not now." I was firm.

"I said right now." She was equally firm and forced me out of my room without paying heed to my lies of not being well. I gave up and we were driving on the highway with windows down.

"So, you both met again." She said as if she had seen it with her own eyes. I was not stupid to ask her how she knew it. Neethu actually knows me inside out.

"Yeah and I told him its all over."

"But it doesn’t seem so." She paused and said "At least from your face."

"I need time to get over this Neethu. Don’t expect me to be normal when the wound is still fresh."

"It'll remain fresh till you get normal" She gave a sharp retort.  "Who were you talking to?"

"Mom. She wants me to go and meet some stupid this weekend." I murmured and I felt my eyes were ready to get wet any moment now.

"Hey, that is a good idea."  She continued before I could react. "You don’t intend to remain single for the rest of your life anyways , do you?"

"You know what has been going on in my life for the past few months" I lost my patience and wanted to censure her severely.  Is life really that simple?

"I am serious. If you are certain that you have no plans of going back to Karthik, just move on." She had a point. One contrast we both had was that Neethu had  a brain and I had a heart.

"But how Neethu..Every time I think of the past, it hurts."

"Why do you have to recall it in the first place and get hurt ?"

I had no answer. But I had tears in my eyes.

"Do you know there is one ride in which rear view mirrors are much clear than the windshields?" She asked. She had this habit of abruptly changing topic when I was down.

"Tell me. Can you think of any?"
I tried to think. How can one even drive when one cannot see what is in front? Rear view mirrors are just meant to see what is coming along and what just went past.

"I don’t know Neethu. What is it?"

"Life."  I was amazed. She nailed it. She paused for a while and continued.

"So Sruthi,  enough of looking into the rear view mirror. Just because it is clear unlike your windshields, staring at it wont get you anywhere. It is just meant to see what we have been through! Trust me and move on."

***

Needless to say, I decided to move on. The decision was quick for the impact it would have but I had given enough thinking to it.  One comfort I had after making that was my parents were happy. The rendezvous  was fixed and I was going to meet someone that weekend. The white lie I told Karthik was no longer a lie.

After all, destiny is something that ought to be only accepted. It can neither be justified nor simplified.

Moving on-1

"How are you?"

What a cliched question that was. It was showing in my face that I was embarrassed to talk. It was showing in my attire that I was doing good financially. It was showing in my gait and standing posture that I was fine physically.

"I am fine."

"Your parents?"

"Good."

"Your sister?"

"Yeah good. How are you?" It was a matter of courtesy then to ask back. He nodded his head.

"Do you mind if we sit and talk?"

Next minute, we were seated at the corner table of the college canteen where we usually sat when we were a couple.

Our eyes never met. But I knew I was looking at him and he was looking at me. The silence that prevailed between us was new to me.  There were no sign of any chuckle or giggle or the guilty smile in his face that my heart used to crave for.

"I am not fine Sruthi."

"What happened?" Of course I knew what happened. All I got back was a stern look which was a tight slap on my face.

"I mean.. I thought you must have moved on." I lowered my head and said slowly.

"I tried a lot." he said. I tried not to speak. I wanted to hear more. Why? Because I knew he loved me a lot. And it gave me a sense of pride for having "owned" his love. After a short pause he continued.

"I avoided taking that snaky route in which we used to walk. I gave up coffee because it reminds me of your obsession with the less-sugar-more-coffee. I gave up wearing checked shirts because I long to see that 'thank-you' smile on your face when you see me wearing them. I..."

"Try seeing another girl." I cut the dialogue short. Because my heart couldn’t hold it any longer. I knew I ruined his life by walking out of it. At that second, I wanted him to hate me as much as he loved me.

"What did you just say?"

"I said try seeing another girl."

"You really mean it?"

"Yeah."

"And you wouldn't be bothered?"

"Of course not." I looked away. Then I continued.

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"Why would I be bothered? We are not together anymore. We need to get over this. Life shouldn't stop for any of us. When we know this won't work out, there is no point in pondering over future of this, right? Keep yourself busy with something. I am sure you will see the change. You won't even take my name once you are with someone else." I paused my lecture. Did I really mean all that I said? The very thought of he being with someone else shuddered me. But that was okay.  I couldn't have him thinking about me for the rest of his life. I was sure he wouldn’t even think of anybody else if he had me in mind. I had to make him erase all those memories somehow.

"Oh. Is this what you did? to move on." There was both sarcasm and some melancholy when he said the last words. One question I was waiting for.

"Yes. I am going to meet a guy this weekend." I instantly lied. And I bent my head down like I always did when I couldn’t look into his face.

"Marriage proposal?"

"Sort of."

"Oh.." A long pause followed.

"Will you tell him that you have had a past relationship?" he smiled. I never knew his smile could pierce me so hard that it started paining inside. Both literally and even otherwise.

"There is nothing to lie/hide. I have not done a mistake by being in one." I said firmly. First dialogue  that I truly meant that evening.

"I am very glad you don't regret it."

"Why will I regret it? You are a very nice person. I am sure you will get a better girl." This time my voice shook. He smiled again.

"I don't need a better girl. I don't need this soothing session either."

"I am just being honest."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yes."  He dint speak for a while. And my heart sensed that the calmness around was actually a prelude to a whirlpool coming.

"I never thought that one such episode would come in my life Sruthi. Not with you! I heard it is hard for girls to fall in love, but it is easy for them to come out of it.You just, just proved it again. You are no special. You’re just another girl."  End of the conservation. And silence again set in. Silence which can actually kill. That silence so high in decibels that your ear cannot take it. I recalled his previous words. My job was done. I was no longer special to him. It meant I won the battle of separation by killing myself. I stood up and walked towards my bike like a zombie. The hand which usually used to reach out to mine when I was down was resting on the table. The one whom I had in all my heart said I did not have one. If only I could show him my broken heart. I sat on my bike and was ready to go. I could see Karthik in the mirror and it read "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear". I broke down.